


Someone who gets it

by ForxGood



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Also definitely ends with Holtzbert but our awkward bi nerd needs time to adjust first, Because it's often glossed over how Not Okay Erin would be with not being a Heterosexual, Bi!Panic Erin, F/F, Obviously contains some internalized homophobia and biphobia, Poor girl tries so hard to conform and fit in and then Holtzmann happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-09-02 22:42:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8686168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForxGood/pseuds/ForxGood
Summary: Erin Gilbert, self-proclaimed Outstanding Heterosexual, isn't okay with the possibility that her self-proclaimed title may not be as accurate as she initially thought, and turns to resident lesbian Jillian Holtzmann to help talk her through it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Because honestly, this fandom needs a little more Bi!Panic Erin. Let's face it, people; this anxiety-ridden neurotic mess of a woman would not immediately be okay with being anything other than straight, and sometimes she needs a lil help with that.  
> (And yes, this was originally an RP thread between scientificxmethod (myself) & freakin-faraday-cage on Tumblr)

To say the past weeks had been shit on Erin would be an understatement.

Not just an understatement. It would be like saying Holtzmann was calm and collected all the time, or that Kevin was the smartest person she knew: Just completely fucking untrue.

She had been stuck on her work for nearly a week now, the reports painting them as frauds (and the criticism that came with it) had gotten infinitely worse, her Holtzmann Problem was still  _very_  much a problem, and on top of all that, her parents had called to express their displeasure at Erin’s current line of work.

_(Really, darling, we thought you were finally done with all this ‘ghost’ nonsense)_

All in all, Erin felt like she was about to combust. Or implode. Or do whatever it was Holtzmann said would happen if the proton pack streams ever mixed. She was on the edge, had been for a while now, and all she really needed was someone to talk to about…

Well, preferably _all_ of this, but even just one factor would be enough.

She knew she couldn’t turn to Abby. As much as their friendship had grown since the Rowan incident, Erin doubted the brunette would make her feel better. Last time she had tried confiding in Abby over something that really bugged her - namely, being painted as a nation-wide fraud - the other woman had responded with what was basically the equivalent of ‘tough shit’. And while she trusted Patty, she wasn’t sure if the enthusiastic historian was the best person to talk to about the issue that was currently giving her the most anxiety.

Which left Holtzmann. Dr. Jillian Holtzmann, nuclear engineer, Virgo, avid skier, gluten full, creator of all their weaponry and the person who had played a role in  _causing_  the issue Erin was currently having.

But Holtzmann was also a lesbian (something she had learned from Abby very early on, not that the blonde made much of a secret of it), and she always seemed to  _get_  it when Erin was struggling with something. And out of all of her friends, she was probably best suited to help Erin talk through this.

Because really, at this point, that was all she wanted. A friend. Someone to talk to. And if she was right about Holtzmann, the blonde would understand that, because while Erin was definitely crushing on the other woman (and badly so, she might add), her problems weren’t about that. Her problem was with her own problem of refusing to accept she was anything but heterosexual.

So here she was, staying late at the firehouse, knocking on the door to their shared office on the second floor. 

“Ummm… Holtz? Do you… Could you…” Erin shook her head, deciding at the last minute that maybe she shouldn’t be bothering Holtz with an issue that probably seemed so trivial to her, and out-and-proud lesbian. 

“You know what? Never mind. Sorry for bugging you.”

 Unbeknownst to her, Jillian Holtzmann had noticed that Erin had been on edge these past weeks. Holtzmann knew this because she  _noticed_ things. Erin was acting strangely. Erin was acting  _distant_. And when it came to Dr. Erin Gilbert, particle physicist, Jillian noticed  _everything_. 

And much like Erin, this ‘fraud’ scheme had been getting under her skin, too. Because of the seven sins, Holtzmann was  _Pride_. She needed it, she needed to feel useful and accomplished. Much like Tinkerbell or Lady Gaga, she needed applause to live. While it didn’t hurt her as much as it hurt Erin, the fact that they were practically Ghost vigilantes without a single lick of credit really drove her over the edge. 

When Holtzmann was frustrated, or faced with a difficult situation, she built, she drew, she  _designed_. The engineer had been working on modifications for their new transportation. It was nothing compared to the hearse Patty had ‘borrowed’ from her uncle. But, much like the Mayor’s agents,  _it would do_.

(Still, she sighed down at her blueprints.  _She missed the Cadillac._ If only she hadn’t left the keys in the ignition for that ghost booger to get a hold of. Weeks later and she was still beating herself up over that one.) 

The blonde had began working on a protonic generator when she caught Erin out of the corner of her eye. She knew the redhead was there before she even knocked.

In a way, it was silly just how aware she was to the other woman.  _Some women fell when it came to lust or love._ Jillian fell  _hard_. Scraped her knee and everything. 

“Wait, wait–”

She had set the device down and reached out. Reached out for what exactly, she wasn’t entirely sure. “One. I need a break.” She smiled. “Been following your safety guidelines.” 

 _Yes, great. Smooth_. 

“Two. You could never bug me.  _Sooooo_. What’s up? And don’t say my hair– Patty tried that once, it was a valiant effort, but unlike my hair, the joke fell flat.”

“Are you sure?” Erin was still nervous as she lingered in the doorway, still sure she’d probably be making a fool out of herself while offending Holtzmann 50 different ways without even trying. And she really,  _really_  didn’t want to end up offending or hurting Holtz in any way.

That said, she hadn’t been able to suppress a smile at the safety guidelines comment. It was a small thing, sure, but it made Erin feel all warm and tingly inside.

Which, she remembered promptly, was  _exactly_  the problem.

So she swallowed thickly, taking a deep breath to gather some courage, and took a few more steps towards Holtzmann.

“I was wondering… I kind of want to talk to you about something. Or,  _anyone_ , really, but you seem like the best option. Which probably sounds like I’m only talking to you out of a last resort or something but it’s just… I can’t talk to Abby and I can’t talk to Patty and, I don’t know…” She sighed, finally looking up at Holtzmann. She was still fidgeting with the sleeves of her shirt, clearly nervous, or scared, or anxious, or whatever-other-equivalent-there-was.

 “You always just seem to  _get it_ , you know? You don’t judge, or make me feel bad for feeling things that are probably irrational, and… And I think I kind of need that right now.”

While Erin’s small smile was enough to shoot a bolt of warmth through her, Holtzmann immediately grew serious when Erin began talking. The engineer was bonkers,  _aloof_ , downright dangerous at times, but there were moment, such as these, when she knew how to be serious.

And judging by the look on Erin’s face, this was about to be a serious conversation. 

“Yeah. Of course, Erin. You can, uh, yeah you can always talk to me.”

Holtzmann was usually the prankster, the babbling scientist, the basset hound hunter, but if Erin needed to talk, if it was important - and it sounded important - she would be there for her friend.

She cleared off a spot on her work table and hopped up, her legs swinging over the sides. 

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?”  _Please don’t be hurt_. If a piece of her equipment backfired on Erin - or on anyone - she would never truly forgive herself. It had happened once and the man just  _now_ woke up. She could never take that risk with Erin.

However, when the redhead mentioned that she couldn’t talk to Abby ( _her best friend_ ) or Patty, her stomach made a lurch. She just hoped everything was alright. 

Though judging by the look on Erin’s face, she doubted that. The physicist looked positively awful. Holtzmann would never say that to her face, but it was clear that something was eating the poor woman up alive. At this point the blonde just wished she would be able to help. 

 _Had someone died? Was someone hurt?_  

There were a million and one thoughts floating around in Jillian’s mind, but only one thought that mattered. 

 _Make sure Erin is alright_.

She could sit here perfectly still all day if need be.  _It would be difficult_ , sure, to sit so still– but, Erin had chosen  _her_ to talk to. Erin had  _trusted_ her and to Holtzmann, though the problem Erin was in may be bad, it meant the world. 

Blue eyes gazed at green and she tried to make her features as soft as possible. “Erin, what’s wrong?”

Erin felt all sorts of emotions rushing through her as she looked at Holtzmann, her fingers fidgeting and twitching at her sides. _Holtz being serious._ That was something Erin didn’t see every day.

Not that she didn’t know Holtzmann could be serious if she wanted to be; as much as the blonde always acted like the class clown, she had seen Holtz and Abby at the Aldridge mansion. And she had seen Holtz give that toast. Holtzmann cared about them, and Erin trusted her.

That also terrified her beyond belief, because she had just realized that maybe telling a proud lesbian that you were not okay with your own sexuality was probably incredibly offensive. She just hoped the engineer would understand that it really didn’t come out of a place of malice.

Sitting down next to Holtz, still fidgeting, Erin did her best to avoid looking the blonde in the eye. She didn’t want to see the hurt on the other woman’s face if her own anxiety issues did manage to offend her. 

“I just… It’s…”

She sighed, trying to work out how to best come out (very punny, Erin) and say this. She was feeling sick, she was certain she was probably all sweaty like she usually was when she was incredibly scared of something, and there was a very nice tremor in her hands.

Still, she supposed she had to rip the bandaid off at some point. And after taking another breath, she launched into one of her signature nervous rants. 

“I think I may not be entirely straight and I’m not sure how okay I am with that. I mean, that probably sounds terrible to you and I  _know_  it sounds terrible, I  _do_ , and it’s not like I really have a problem with  _other_  people being gay - which,  _god_ , I know is one of those cliché excuses that makes no sense - it’s just that I… This…”

She shook her head, not even realizing a few tears had fallen from her eyes.  _Great_ , and now she was crying. Wasn’t she just making an incredibly good impression on Holtzmann now. 

“This is not how my life was supposed to go.”

At Erin’s confession, Jillian’s eyes widened ever so slightly. Not because she was mad, not even because she was shocked, but because it was being said out loud. 

 _I have a chance_.

She immediately beat herself up mentally for that being her first thought at the news. This was about Erin, not about her chances. And the fact that the physicist looked so distraught nearly broke Jillian into two. 

 _Was Erin coming out to her_? Yes. 

She reached out gingerly and wiped away the substance on Erin’s cheek. Water, mucin, lipids, lysozyme, lactoferrin, lipocalin, lacritin, immunoglobulins,glucose, urea, sodium, and potassium– that’s what made up tears. Holtzmann was a fan of all of these elements, but not when they were on her friend’s face. 

The blonde listened intently, allowing Erin to get it all out into the open and then she produced a short summary in her head so she could give a comforting response. 

 _Erin is not straight. Erin cares what people think about her. Erin is scared_.

The engineer reached a hand up and rubbed the back of her neck as she thought. No one had ever come out to her before, she wasn’t entirely sure how to handle this– but, she would get by. It was Erin, she had to. 

“Thank you for telling me.” Holtzmann wore a warm smile. She thought about reaching out to touch Erin’s leg, but feared it may be too much for the older woman to handle. “Life always makes bullshit turns and expects you to keep up, so– I mean, you’re handling this extremely well. I’m proud of you.”

Erin let out a mirthless laugh at that, moving to wipe a few tears away herself. 

“I’m  _really_  not.” She shook her head. “I’m not handling this at all. Here I am,  _crying_ , probably offending you, completely  _not_  being okay with this…”

“Erin, sexuality is terrifying. I get it. _Trust me_. And right now, it’s okay to not be okay. There aren’t guidelines you have to follow. Telling me is a really big step and honestly, I’m very flattered that you’ve entrusted me with this information.”

Sometimes being yourself was the hardest part of living.

Erin sighed, still not looking at Holtzmann as she sat there.

 “It’s just… I’ve got so much  _crazy_  going on already.  _Nothing_  is working out for me right now, not the way I wanted it to. Not in the  _normal_  way. I can’t also be adding ‘not straight’ to that list of things, that just seems unfair. And I mean, realistically, I know I’ll  _have_  to, because this is  _not_  going to go away just because I want it to, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still  _really_  want it to go away right now.”

Which, yeah, supposed were the kind of words that could hurt Holtz. 

 _Damn it_.

Just one more reason to wish that this had never been an issue she’d have to deal with.

In lieu of a proper apology, she decided to finally look the blonde engineer in the eye. “Does that make me a terrible person?”

“Kimberly Anderson.” Holtzmann stated in response. She knew the name was unfamiliar to Erin, so she elaborated. 

“I used to lock myself in my room every day after school because I didn’t like the way she made me feel. I was already so weird to my foster family and school wasn’t that much better– but, at least I had a teacher that kind of made it easier.

“However, I remember thinking: ‘ _Great, just one more thing for them to hate about me_.’ So, I hid it. I hid it for a long time. The first person I officially came out to was Abby. And Benny… but, that was because he was lurking.”

She hated how much higher her voice was. Holtzmann had to admit, the _normal_ comment had cut her like a knife. Erin had meant the ‘normal’ thing to be a jab, though, she had to remind herself of that.  And besides, she supposed there was nothing  _normal_ about herself anyway. Still, her jaw had clenched slightly as her stomach did a flip, the engineer staying quiet for a bit as she tried to collect her thoughts.

Erin was quiet as she listened to Holtzmann talk, looking at her with a curious expression. She rarely did learn about Holtz’s past, and knew the few times she  _did_  share with people were special. As a result, she made sure to commit every word to memory; even if some of the information made her heart ache a little.

She had never expected Holtz to be nervous about her own sexuality. With the way she held herself, Erin had just assumed Holtz had never made too much of a problem of it. Odd though it was, that information made her feel slightly better about her own freakout.

She carefully moved to place her hand over Holtz’s, smiling at her.

“Thank you, Holtz.”

Holtzmann didn’t like remembering her past. She had her own baggage that she wanted to just get lost at a metaphorical airport, but it stuck around, no matter how hard she had tried to dispose of it. That was the life lesson there. No one was normal. They all had their own skeletons in the closet. But, if a glimpse of her own past put Erin at a bit of ease, it had been worth it.

When she looked down at their hands, her heart had skipped a beat - thank God, Erin couldn’t hear it – but the engineer shrugged it off.

“’s’no biggie. I don’t like it when you’re sad.” She confessed.

She didn’t like it when any of her friends were sad. When Kevin lost the H&S Tournament, she nearly split in two.  _He had made it so far_. Just to lose. She shook her head of her thoughts. 

“Erin.” She continued, looking at the physicist with a warm smile. “It doesn’t make you a terrible person. To quote Sirius Black, Order of the Phoenix: ‘ _You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person who bad things have happened to_.’ But your sexuality is normal and whatever it may be, you are valid and anyone who tells you otherwise can _literally_ go to hell.”

The physicist chuckled a little at the Harry Potter quote, offering Holtzmann an apologetic smile. 

“I know. Sort of.” She sighed, trying to collect her thoughts once more. 

“It’s just… I had this entire  _idea_  of what my life would be, you know? After Abby, and the book, and the realization that people were going to keep treating me like garbage if I didn’t fit in… That’s what I did. I tried to fit in. To be their definition of normal. Kept my head down, worked hard, followed the rules… Finally turned into the daughter my parents wanted me to be. I was done with ghosts, I had a socially acceptable boyfriend, I was up for tenure… I was still taking anti-anxiety medication but I figured I wasn’t going to win them all.”

She let out a humorless chuckle before continuing. “And just… I tried holding on to that for so long, but ever since the Aldridge Mansion that has just all been falling apart. And people keep telling me that it’s not a big deal and that I should be  _lucky_  to be doing this at all - getting paid for doing something I love, working with all of you - and in a way I am. But we’re still not taken seriously, and sometimes I just feel like I’m back in high school, with the constant chanting and the garbage throwing. And now this…”

“Well I, for one, take you  _very_ seriously.” She tried to console, offering Erin a bright smile.

“And Erin… If you weren’t happy, you didn’t really win anything.” Holtzmann continued. “It’s easier said than done, but you’re not going to please everyone. It’s just not how the world works. You have to be happy for yourself.  _You_ matter.”

“What if I just care too much about what other people think?” Erin replied, looking up at Holtzmann with sad eyes. “What if there’s just no winning? Either I do what I like but hate myself for being scorned for it, or I do what makes other people happy but am still miserable and lonely.”

She was painfully reminded of the fact that, even at Columbia, she hadn’t had any real friends. Or acquaintances, even. She had been alone. At least here, she had 4 wonderful people looking after her.

“It’s why I didn’t want to talk to Abby.” She confessed quietly. “I get where she’s coming from… I know she means well, but it’s just… It’s difficult for me to let go of all of that. The expectations people have of me.  _Had_  of me. I’ve been taught for so long that being anything other than ‘cookie-cutter normal’ was wrong, or just a cry for attention, and it hurts. And I don’t think she understand how much that hurts. You do, though. Or at least if you don’t you don’t make me feel like crap about it.” Erin flashed her a grateful smile at that, lightly squeezing Holtz’s hand in gratitude.

“I’ll always understand.” She beamed, finding a desire to flip her hand to intertwine her fingers with Erin’s, but she refrained. Instead, Holtzmann tried to think of the right words to say, anything to make the redhead feel more at ease. The fact that she was this upset and worried shattered the engineer’s very soul, and she truly resented the Gilberts for all of the self-doubt and loathing they had instilled into her daughter.

(That was why Holtzmann had made the ghost transporter. If she sent ghosts to Michigan maybe they would believe their daughter.)

Then again, it wasn’t like she had parents to tear her down, so in that sense, she felt even worse for Erin. The engineer didn’t think she could ever stand it if her parents had been disappointed in her choices. Though she’d been five when they’d died; she didn’t have many choices that would break their heart.

She did fall off a swing set once - that she remembered. But they had never been cross or stern, no matter how chaotic she was.

She’d been better lately, though. She tried to follow the rules and it had only been  _three_ days since she had caught something on fire. It was a new record and Holtzmann was proud. She hoped Erin was proud of her as well.

“You can’t help what your personality is.” She finally responded. “We’re all raised differently and unfortunately you have been what I like to call environmentally challenged. You grew up thinking that you could only go so far without upsetting someone. You were limited, had boundaries unfairly set for you.” She would love to have a chat with Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert one of these days. 

“But, eventually, you’ll have to set your own boundaries. You have to decide what’s more important to you. But, lemme just tell ya, Erin, you’re never going to please everyone. You’re going to wear yourself out.”

She understood why Erin hadn’t spoken to Abby. The woman was brilliant and there for you, but at times she could be a bit intimidating. It was so easy for her to be herself. That was something Holtzmann had learned from Abby. Living a limitless life was the way to go for the blonde.

But Erin was different.  _Everyone_ was different. No two brains were wired the same, and Abby didn’t always understand that. The engineer hoped she understood it just enough to help Erin, though.

“That’s easier said than done though, isn’t it?” Erin still sounded painfully dejected, and Holtz lightly squeezed her hand in comfort.

“You don’t have to be ready today or even tomorrow, but it’s so much easier and healthier to live your life for yourself. It’s  _your_ life.”

Was that good advice? She had never had a talk such as this one. She found it best to just speak her mind.

“God knows we all have our fantasies of being a perfect cookie-cutter of a person.” Holtzmann added. “I mean, I adopted a small army of chinchillas because I figured it was the closest thing to having children.”

“You have chinchillas?” Erin asked, sounding legitimately surprised and interested. She was learning more and more about Holtzmann tonight, and she was loving all of it. Holtzmann was just a naturally interesting person.

And truth be told, Erin’s own little crush probably didn’t help matters.

Holtzmann nodded, yellow hair bouncing as she did so. 

“Mm-hm.” She hummed proudly. “Four of ‘em. Lorna Doone. Higgs Boson. Oberson. And Yo-Yo Ma.” Her dimples appeared as she thought about her little furry babies. “They’re monsters at bedtime, they take up most of the bed, trying to snuggle. Good think I don’t sleep well, I’m afraid I’ll roll over on them.”

Erin giggled at the image of Holtz snuggling in bed with 4 chinchillas. It was an adorable picture, really, and Erin hoped she’d get to see it someday. Feeling herself laugh like that, she noted just how much even just being around Holtzmann had helped make her feel better. It still bothered her - their reputation, her parents, her sexuality - but less so, and for that she was immensely grateful.

“Well, I have to admit; it could have been worse.” Erin said. “I mean, at least I didn’t lock myself in my room over you. Though I  _did_  try and overcompensate with Kevin, and I’m not entirely sure which is worse…”

Jillian’s ears and neck turned a certain shade of red when Erin revealed that little bomb. “Oh…” She practically squeaked. 

 _Wait_ , what?  **Wait**. That meant–  _huh_? 

“I’m very glad you didn’t lock yourself in a woman.” She managed. “’Cause then I’d never get to see your face.”

Now her entire face was red as she stared down at the floor. Did this mean that Erin liked her?  _Overcompensating with Kevin_? Oh, God. Kevin and Erin’s handshake alone was enough to make Jillian want to lock herself in the bathroom and cry. 

“Overcompensation just… means that you…  _care_.” She was really at a loss for words as she tried to keep herself from grinning like an idiot. 

_She failed._

When Erin realized what she’d just said, she grew a bright scarlet. 

 _Oh no_ … What if Holtz thought Erin was making a move on her?  _God_ , she was nowhere  _near_  ready for that. She liked Holtzmann, yes, but she also still wasn’t entirely  _okay_  with liking Holtzmann. And she knew that she would mess this up before it even started if she flung herself into a relationship now. 

“That’s-” She squeaked out, trying to figure out the best way to dig herself out of this situation.

She hesitantly turned to look at Holtzmann, who was grinning like an idiot. Erin felt  _terrible_  that her words would most likely make Holtz stop smiling like that. 

 _God, she never wanted Holtz to stop smiling like that_.

But she knew it would hurt even worse if she didn’t explain herself. 

“You know that’s not why I chose to talk to  _you_ , right?” Erin asked, her voice quiet and apologetic. “I mean… I trust you. And I like you. But I’m still not… I mean… I don’t want to hurt you by being that terrible person who treats you like some kind of secret just because she’s not comfortable with who she is. You deserve better than that. I didn’t even plan to tell you this. I just… I needed someone to talk to tonight. Not because I like you, but because we’re friends. And, you know… Like I said, you always seem to understand and make me feel better.”

Holtzmann’s beaming smile also quickly extinguished when the redhead began talking again. “Right. Of course.”

Her lips were in a straight line, her head nodding, but it wasn’t as fun and bouncy as before. “Right. I knew that.”

She tried to smile again, but it just wasn’t happening. She felt her face grew hot from embarrassment. The engineer felt like an idiot, reading the signs incorrectly all over again. 

 _Just because she isn’t straight doesn’t mean she’s into you,_ **_idiot_ ** _._

She looked down at her fingers, thumbs twiddling to keep herself from biting her nails. “You wouldn’t hurt me.” Her voice was small, clearly disappointed. 

Noticing Holtzmann’s dejected expression, Erin frowned a little. She really thought Holtz had liked her too. Was she really that upset Erin needed time? But then the engineer’s words registered with her, and Erin felt her own heart sink.

The other woman seemed to think Erin didn’t like her.

Which, honest to god, could not be further from the truth. Her liking Holtzmann was  _exactly_  the reason she was in this debacle right now. And though it wasn’t fair to make Holtz wait for her to sort her own shit out, Erin was selfish. Selfish enough to want to set this right.

“I would, Holtz.” Erin sighed, placing a hand over Holtz’s fidgeting hands to stop her twiddling thumbs. “You deserve someone who doesn’t try to keep her relationship with you hidden from the world. And right now, that isn’t me.”

Holtzmann didn’t believe for one second that Erin Gilbert could hurt her even if she tried. But she needed to get over herself. This was about Erin, and here she sat getting worked up and emotional. 

 _Pathetic. Pull yourself together_.

She cleared her throat. 

“I hope I made you feel a little better. It’s what friends are for.”  **Friends**. God, it hurt. But, Erin wasn’t in a good place, the blonde had to keep that in mind. She needed to be there for Erin. Because if she didn’t have Erin in her life, she wasn’t quite sure what she would do. 

Erin shot Holtz an apologetic smile as she spoke. “You did. Help make me feel better, I mean.” She smiled at Holtzmann, her hands still placed over the engineer’s. “And I want to be, though… That person…” She spoke softly, her thumb rubbing small circles over the blonde’s knuckles. “I just… I  _can’t_  be. Not now.”

 _That_ news caught Holtzmann’s ear, the engineer’s mood brightening significantly. “Okay.” She stated simply, as if nothing was wrong. As if this was how relationships work. “Not now it is.”

She offered a sweet smile, feeling infinitely better about the whole thing. “I’ll wait.” And then she did turn her hand over- not to interlace their fingers (she didn’t want to spook Erin), but to give the older woman’s hand a comforting squeeze.

In truth, Holtzmann still didn’t believe for one second that Erin Gilbert could hurt her even if she tried. But the blonde - though it put a small damper on her world - respected boundaries. If Erin wasn’t ready, she wasn’t ready. It didn’t matter if Holtzmann was, she wanted to do this on Erin’s terms. And by the sound of things, it sounded like there would come a day where they would, in fact, be together.

This made her stomach flip and flop with hope and happiness.

Erin, who had gone back to looking at her feet again, raised her head to meet Holtz’s gaze with wide eyes as she said that, unable to really get a word out.

Holtz would wait for her? She would actually do that? She had to just be saying that to make Erin feel better. It was working, sure, but still…

She had to admit she was surprised. Pleasantly so, and she still wasn’t sure if she entirely believed the blonde, but she was surprised nonetheless.

Still, she managed to smile at Holtzmann, knowing full well she probably didn’t deserve to have someone as wonderful as the blonde engineer in her life. Not even as a friend, probably. But she would take what she could get. And right now, she already had enough to worry about to add ‘friends-who-are-so-amazing-they-cannot-possibly-be-real’ to that list.

“Thank you, Holtz.” Erin smiled at her. “For everything. For listening, for understanding… It really means a lot.” And with that, she placed a soft kiss to the blonde’s cheek. “And I’ll think about it. Because rationally speaking, I know you’re probably right.”

And normally, she probably would have been quicker on the uptake on that. But with everything that had happened, the additional call from her parents had really done a number on her. She didn’t feel like Erin Gilbert, badass scientist and ghostbuster. She felt like Ghost Girl, small and insignificant. But somehow, Holtz always made her feel like she was worth something. She never tore Erin down, no matter how silly and insignificant her problems might seem to the blonde.

“I’m always right, Gilbert.” Holtzmann’s voice was playful again now that hope had been restored. “You can talk to me anytime. Even if it’s the same stuff. I won’t get annoyed, promise.” She made an ‘x’ over her heart.

“I like ya a lot, Erin and I’ll help you in any way I can. Just don’t tell the others. I don’t want to become the psychiatrist.” Then she chuckled. “Five cents, please.”

Her blue eyes wandered into the space of the lab, deep in thought. The kiss to her cheek had pierced her skin with fire. Holtzmann didn’t think Erin quite understood what she did to her, how she made her fill with warmth. How happy she made her. She supposed she’d just have to show her somehow.

Yes, she could wait for Erin. Erin was worth it. Just like that, it was decided.

“May I embrace you with my toned noodle arms?”

Erin let herself laugh at the blonde’s antics, grinning at the jokes she made. Holtz always seemed to know how to diffuse a situation. It was one of the  _many_  things Erin liked about her. 

“My lips are sealed.” She promised, laughing at the blonde for the ‘5 cents’ comment. “And how about I buy you coffee tomorrow instead?” She quipped in return, feeling herself relax more and more by the second as she joked with Holtzmann. Because this was nice. This was comfortable, this was what she was used to by now. Which was absolutely part of the reason she let Holtz hug her.

(The other reasons were the obvious crush she had on Holtzmann, and the fact that Erin was kind of in desperate need for human contact sometimes).

Resting her head against Holtz’s shoulder, Erin relaxed into the embrace, feeling her stomach churn. She was feeling an odd combination of nerves and elation, butterflies going crazy in her stomach for multiple reasons. For one, there was the obvious reaction to being held by Holtzmann. However, she was also scared, and worried she was probably abusing the blonde’s kindness and unwavering loyalty by opening her mouth to ask anything else of her. If she had any kind of sense, she would keep her mouth shut.

But she had rarely been good at following her own advice.

“Could you stay here? With me, I mean? I just… I don’t want to be alone just yet.” Her voice was quiet as she spoke, almost inaudible, Erin feeling truly awful for once again asking something of Holtzmann. The blonde had already been so kind to her, given her so much, putting up with Erin’s stupid problems… She really had no right to ask anything else of her.

“Yeah.” Holtzmann nodded, a sweet smile gracing her lips. “Yeah, of course.”

The engineer was being a bit selfish herself, allowing the hug to linger, enjoying the way Erin felt in her arms. Yes, this would be the most difficult thing for Holtzmann to attempt. But, the waiting game, hopefully, had a happy ending.

Erin smiled at her, allowing herself to keep resting her head on Holtz’s shoulder, glad for the physical contact between her and the engineer. Even just as friends, Erin was grateful for the existence and innate goodness of Jillian Holtzmann. She wasn’t entirely sure what she’d do without her.

(Drive herself crazy, probably)

Holtzmann closed her eyes momentarily and gave the other woman a gentle squeeze before pulling away. The hug had lasted way too long for it to have been a hug between friends. She cleared her throat as blush crept across her face.

It was going to prove difficult, to stay away from Erin until she was ready, especially knowing the information that she did. She should probably also tone down the flirting to give Erin a chance to get all of this sorted. The blonde didn’t want to send her into a bi panic attack.

They sat there for a while, Holtz entertaining and distracting Erin by telling her all sorts of things; from her latest inventions to why she had named her chinchillas the way she had. All in all, it was enough to distract Erin from why she had felt so lousy the past week, and every time Erin smiled, everything felt like it was going to be okay again.

They had cleared the air of any stage awkwardness and tension and it seemed Erin really was feeling a lot better. She didn’t look as dreadful as she did when she first entered the lab.

Despite not really hugging anymore, the two did keep their fingers intertwined, Erin still longing for some form of comfort. As they spoke, Holtzmann’s eyes occasionally flitted down to look at their hands, enjoying it while it lasted.

They were alone, but Erin was scared, Holtzmann wanted to remember how her hand felt before she waited for who knew how long. It could be a month. It could be a year. Maybe five years. Holtzmann hoped it wouldn’t be the latter, but if it was, that was okay, too.

Better late than never.


	2. Chapter 2

The first week hadn’t been too hard.

The second week was doable.

The third week started to get a little tricky. Erin had been drinking coffee and so rudely left some on her upper lip - okay, not rudely; it was an accident - and Holtzmann had wanted to kiss it off. But she was giving her space, giving her time to come to terms with who she was.

After a month, she got into the habit of things and lived happily having Erin as a friend. Of course she still had urges to tickle her or to grasp for her hand, but so far the blonde had shown great restraint. She only feared that the other girls would suspect something was up, but luckily, it was never brought up.

It seemed that Erin had noticed this slight shift in their dynamic, though. She noticed Holtzmann was being a lot less forward with her flirting, and was dancing a lot less around the office. Even the fires were being kept at an all-time low, which Erin had to admit she was slightly worried about.

After about a week and a half of this, she had spoken to Holtz about it, who mentioned it was just because she was trying to give Erin space. Because no matter how much Holtz liked her, she didn’t want to push Erin if she didn't think she was ready.

The fact that Holtzmann was willing to do that for her had almost been enough for Erin to just fall into her arms and kiss her senseless, but she was also aware of the fact that she couldn’t do that. Not yet. Though she had made some minimal progress, she still was nowhere  _near_  ready for anything like that. So she just smiled, and kissed her cheek, and thanked her.

After that, it took Erin another 3 weeks (and a  _lot_  of internet research) to kind of come to terms with the fact that she was, apparently, bisexual. She still didn’t think the situation was ideal, and still secretly kind of wished she could change it, but she was also done pretending to be someone she wasn’t.

But when she arrived to work the next morning, she realized there was still one obstacle she needed to overcome.

She needed to tell Holtzmann about it.

But while Erin’s feelings for the blonde hadn’t faded, she seriously doubted the feeling was mutual. By now, it had been over a  _month_  since their little heart-to-heart. Erin had gotten over people in  _much_  less time than that.

So she waited. And she waited. All not to get her heart broken by Jillian Holtzmann, the brilliant engineer who deserved so much better than Erin Gilbert, ghost girl. 

Eventually though, she decided that at least Holtz deserved to know she had helped Erin be a little more okay with who she was in general. Relationship or not, they had always been friends first and foremost, and Holtz deserved to know how important she had been in helping Erin.

So approximately a month and a half after their conversation, Erin approached her again, thankfully looking a lot less nervous this time. 

“Hey there. Are you busy?”

Holtzmann had been upgrading Erin’s proton shotgun just to keep herself occupied. It had an unnecessary paint job, but it was sleek, it was a gorgeous piece of equipment. It had to be, it was for Erin.

She would never admit it, but there was a small heart engraved inside of the barrel, Holtzmann still holding out for Erin to come through, even after a month and a half. She had told Erin she would wait, and that’s exactly what she was going to do. She woke up each morning wondering if it would be today, but it never happened.

So when Erin approached her, the engineer held her breath, hoping for the best. “Eh, noooooope.” She elongated with a grin. “What’s up?”

Erin felt the corners of her lips twitch up into a smile. That always seemed to happen when she was around Holtzmann; more so if she was being especially dorky. Like right now.

 _God_ , it was almost unfair how ridiculously adorable and endearing the engineer could be. Erin had been reminded of that a  _lot_  over the past month and a half, treasuring every moment of Holtzmann being as close to her as they were before. Because Erin liked her. A  _lot_. And while she had understood what Holtz was doing, she couldn’t deny she missed the engineer’s closeness.

Still, she felt her own anxiety creep up on her when she prepared to answer, already feeling herself slamming shut. She could  _feel_  herself backing out, trying to make up another excuse as to why she had come to talk to Holtzmann. Because if the blonde didn’t like her anyway, what good was telling her about her being okay with her sexuality? And wouldn’t Holtz just presume she was expecting a relationship after all of that, regardless of the engineer’s own feelings? Erin didn’t want to seem like that kind of person.

But by god, she had to remember that they were friends first and foremost. And as a friend, Holtz would want to know her little talk had helped Erin. So the redhead would just have to woman the  _hell_  up and spit it out.

“I…”

She had been silent for a good minute now, trying to gather the courage to speak again. Holtzmann was probably getting impatient, but there wasn’t really much the physicist could do about that. Taking a deep breath, she finally continued. 

“I thought about what you said. You know; last month. About living life for myself, a- and everything.” She felt her voice trembling a little, her own anxiety creeping up again. “And I just… I wanted to thank you. Again. Because it helped a lot. That talk.”

Holtzmann stood there patiently, waiting for Erin to speak, trying not to rush her. It seemed she could only be patient with the redhead. Her head tilted to the side as she waited for the other woman to respond. The blonde kept a faint smile on her lips for encouragement.

“Good! I’m glad!” The blonde beamed, reaching out to clasp Erin’s shoulders. She gave the older woman a slight shake. “Baby steps.”

Erin couldn’t help it; she felt a surge of pride rush through her at the engineer’s clear approval. She had always been a sucker for other people telling her she was doing something right, telling her she was doing a good job on something. Erin Gilbert had always enjoyed following the rules and doing what was expected of her. It made her feel nice.

Which, incidentally, had also been the root of a lot of anxiety issues, but that was not the point right now.

She also felt the usual rush of butterflies, the one she always felt when she was around the brilliant engineer. Holtzmann always managed to make her feel nice in general, and the way she was looking at Erin had the physicist feeling a little weak in the knees all over again.

“I’m glad you’re still thinking about it and haven’t forgotten about me.” Holtzmann chuckled lightly, glad to see Erin beaming at her.

It was in her eyes, clear as day, that the engineer still hadn’t moved on. She'd had her chances, of course; Boy did she have her chances. Especially now that more and more people were slowly getting on the Ghostbusters bandwagon.

A woman had called once asking for just Holtzmann. Apparently there was a ghost in her bed. Thank goodness Kevin managed to pick up on the innuendo and the engineer didn’t even have to deal with that.

But of course, Erin didn't seem to notice any of that.

“I couldn’t forget about you if I tried.” Erin smiled at her, pretty sure she looked  _hopelessly_ smitten as she did, trying to think of the best way to maybe ask if Holtzmann was still interested.

Sure, the engineer’s actions seemed to hint towards a ‘yes’, but Erin was nothing if not incredibly insecure, so she needed a little more confirmation than that.

Luckily, that confirmation came in the form of Holtzmann catching on to Erin’s insecurities. The engineer was perceptive enough to know when the redhead needed a little push to say what was really on her mind. And when the older woman had thanked her for the chat, the blonde had concluded that perhaps Erin really was ready to take this to the next step. 

Erin’s smile had nearly brought Holtzmann to her knees. Thank goodness she had a hold of Erin’s shoulders for a bit of support. She would never admit that she, Dr. Jillian Holtzmann, was nearly jell-o. She had a reputation to uphold, after all.  _She had to be the cool one_. 

“Good. ‘Cause, I’m still here.”

She hadn’t even looked at another woman. Not even when she went out to bars or to group dinners. She had Erin Gilbert on the brain. 

She was certain she always would. 

“How are you doing otherwise?” The blonde continued. “Eating good? Getting plenty of water? You wanna grab lunch later?”

Erin breathed out a sigh of relief, more than a little glad that Holtzmann had been the one to bring it up. She was certain she might not have been able to work up the courage herself. 

“ _Yes_.” She replied almost immediately. “I mean- I’d love to have lunch with you. Together. A- as…”

Oh, and there her anxiety was again. Suffice it to say Erin had not missed that. Still, she somehow managed to struggle through it, looking at Holtzmann with uncertain but determined eyes. 

“As a date. Maybe. If you’re still interested in doing that…”

When Erin accepted her invitation, Holtzmann’s stomach flipped and her eyes lit up. _Her plan had worked._ Her hunch had been correct and she couldn’t have been happier.

“I-if I’m – if I’m still interested?” She sputtered. “Of  _course_ I’m still interested!” The excitement was beginning to swell in the pit of her stomach. “I told you I would wait for you.” She was grinning now. “And here you are. Ready. For a  **date**.” She let out a chuckle.

When Holtzmann’s eyes all but lit up, the blonde engineer looking like an excited puppy, and Erin was pretty sure she had melted on the spot right there and then. Because she was pretty sure she had never seen anything more adorable. And to know it was because of her, because for some reason Holtzmann was actually  _excited_  about going on a date with  _her_ … 

Erin hadn’t expected this reaction in a million years, but she certainly wasn’t going to complain.

Her own eyes lit up, a truly dazzling smile appearing on her lips. “I am. I am ready for a date.”

She was feeling a little giddy by now. Because wow. She was going on a date. And actual date. With Jillian Holtzmann of all people. The brilliant, beautiful, blonde engineer who had been on Erin’s mind for months now, and who could undoubtedly do  _so_  much better than her.

But yet here she was. And for some reason, Holtzmann didn’t only want her enough to go on a date with her, she wanted her enough to actually  _wait_  for her to get her shit together. And that truly meant more to Erin than she could ever say.

“And you did say that, yes.” 

 _I just didn’t think you actually would_.

“I rarely make promises.” Holtzmann admitted. As a scientist, she didn’t believe in promises because the outcome could always differ based on probability. But, waiting for Erin was a promise she knew she could keep. “But, this one was important to me.”

Forever, Holtzmann had decided. She would wait forever when it came to Erin. It was pathetic, she knew this and she was certain it could possibly be unrequited, but never before in her life had she known someone like Erin Gilbert. And of all the people, Erin had chosen Holtzmann.  _Holtzmann_. She was beside herself in joy. 

Now it was finally sinking in that Erin had, indeed, stated that she was not only ready, but willing to go on a date with Jillian. The blonde’s grin couldn’t falter even if she wanted it to.

Dr. Erin Gilbert wanted to go on a date with her.

It had been over a month over their conversation, but the news of Erin not being straight was still sinking in with the blonde engineer. And if that were the case, she supposed she'd never really get used to the idea that Erin actually liked her. 

Feeling a little more daring now, Erin reached out to take Holtzmann’s hand in her own, still smiling brightly. “Shall we?”

“Yeah, we shall!” She shouted excitedly, making Erin chuckle a little in response. In Holtzmann's defense, it was hard for her to use her inside voice when she was so  _goddamn_ excited. Looking down at their now conjoined hands, Holtzmann gave a gentle squeeze.

“And hopefully, this is the first of  _many_. I’m gonna spoil ya, girl. Just keep that in mind.” She winked behind amber tinted glasses as she led Erin Gilbert,  _her date_ to the door. 

Erin laughed at Holtzmann’s apparent excitement, feeling more and more at ease by the second. There was something about the blonde’s enthusiasm that always seemed to rub off on Erin, the redhead always being pushed to smile when Holtz did. Not that this wasn’t still a bit of a hard concept to grasp, Holtzmann wanting to go on a date with her.

Wanting to go on  _many_ dates with her, in fact.

Giving Holtz’s hand a light squeeze in return, Erin decided that she wasn’t going to worry about that now. The lightness and happiness Holtzmann brought out in her was unlike anything she had ever felt, and even if Holtzmann wasn’t going to come through - if this was just going to be one date after all - she knew she wasn’t going to lose the blonde. The engineer had not only waited for her, she hadn’t pushed her. She had given Erin space. She had listened to her rant and cry and struggle and had not even  _once_  complained, despite her apparently having a crush on Erin. She hadn’t abused Erin’s state of mind to put a move on her.

It proved to Erin once more that, no matter what happened between them, Holtzmann would always be her friend. She would always be around to get it if Erin needed her to. Which was exactly the sort of person Erin had wanted to spend the rest of her life with. 

And when Holtzmann kissed her at the end of that date, Erin thought that maybe, she finally found that person.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it, folks! Look at these adorable children getting their shit together. There's a few things I gotta say still, though.
> 
> First of all, a huge thank you to freakin-faraday-cage on Tumblr for being the voice of Holtzmann in this fic because this would honestly not have existed without her. 
> 
> Second of all, woah, y'all have been so nice in the comments section and just know I truly appreciate it all. If you ever want to talk to me about Outstanding Bi Nerd Erin Gilbert, feel free to IM me on Tumblr (scientificxmethod) or follow me on Twitter (ForxGood)


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